I, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I had a retro/sentimental moment yesterday and Youtubed some of the ole Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles television shows from the early 90s. There they were: brainy Donatello and his bo’staff, wacky Michelangelo and his nunchuks, moody Raphael and his sai, all led by the fearless Leonardo and his katanas. As I laid witness to their pizza-eatin’, Shredder-hatin’, Foot Clan-kickin’, throwing star-…er, throwin’ turtle power, I had an epiphany:

the Ninja Turtles represent the different aspects of my psyche.

That’s right. I realized that the characters I grew up identifying with – Spiderman, James Bond, the A-Team, Justice League, Super Friends and the Muppets – was a mistake. I should have seen it all along. I relate most with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

You may be asking: How, James, do you relate with mutated humanoid turtles that were trained martial arts by a mutated rat sensei, live in the sewer, eat anchovy and peanut butter pizzas and fight a baddy who uses the same name as an office tool for destroying paper? Don’t forget their other enemy, an alien brain that pilots a body around from a cockpit in its stomach.

Okay, so some details don’t exactly match, but I’m sure there are some differences between you and your hero. It’s less about the plot of the show and more about the Turtles’ identifying qualities. Let’s break it down:

DONATELLO

“The brilliant scientist, inventor, engineer, and technological genius. He is perhaps the least violent Turtle, preferring to use his intellect to solve conflicts.”

Yup, this is the big nerd in me that reads up on NASA’s space programs for kicks, watches MythBusters for other things than the explosions, obsesses over any cool new gadget (thanks, 007) and looks at everything and ponders its origins and existence.

This is also the dork in me that will spend hours over the smallest problem with my computer, entertainment center and anything else with cords and chips.

Most importantly, from moral grounds, Donatello is that strong will inside me that truly believes there is always a nonviolent way towards ending conflict. And I enjoy engineering a way to create that.

LEONARDO

“The courageous leader and devoted student of martial arts. As a strict adherent to Bushido, he has a very strong sense of honor and justice.”

This is pretty self-explanatory. James, the name, means “the supplantor”, or: “he who goes before all others.” When times get tricky among friends or family, my extravert comes out and I take the leadership role. I don’t know how it happens, it just does. It can be a heavy burden, but it’s the type of situation where you realize the only person who can do it right, accomplish the goal successfully, is you. This creates the problem of pulling rank over others, making them feel resentful of me as “boss.” This is the point when the power of leadership scares the living shit out of me.

RAPHAEL

“Raphael has an aggressive nature and seldom hesitates to throw the first punch. He is an intense fighter. His personality can be alternately fierce and sarcastic as well as sensitive and moody. Still, he is intensely loyal to his brothers and sensei.”

The emo Turtle.

Also, the most likely to be bipolar. Raphael is that brooding aggressive center within my personality that’s labeled bipolar. Funny, people assume that my bipolar depression is the same as their regular depression; sad and down on yourself and suicidal. I never experienced that with the bipolar depression, and I know many others experience the same as me. When bipolar sends me to rock bottom, I get all Raphael aggressive. My mind doesn’t think suicidal thoughts, it thinks homicidal thoughts. I get mad at the world and I want to punch it in its face.

When I was a kid, every time I did a TMNT trivia game, “What Ninja Turtle Are You?,” I was ALWAYS Raphael. That should have been a psychiatric red flag. But look, he has redeeming qualities. He’s loyal to the death. He’s like a half-shelled Greek tragedy.

MICHELANGELO

“The easy-going and free-spirited Mikey provides much of the comic relief. While he loves to relax, this Turtle also has an adventurous and creative side.”

Easy-going? Check. Free-spirited? Mmm, check. Comic relief? CHECK. Loves to relax? Triple check. Has an adventurous AND creative side? DING! DING! DING!

Yes, all of these qualities read like a cheesy eHarmony profile, but it nails everything that the other Turtle personalities miss. Aren’t I a catch? (*cue “females swooning” sound effect*)

NOW, each of these Turtles, these groups of personalities, would lose if alone in a fight with the almighty evil Shredder (who obviously represents daily life and overdue bills.) BUT, you get the whole team together, the Teenage Mutant Mental Turtles, and you have a serious ass kicking.

That’s pretty much how I feel lately. Everything inside is working as a team and I’m slicing through daily challenges with the skill only a mutated humanoid turtle trained in martial arts holds. Turtle Power!

And sometimes you have to agonize over them.

So, as last post showed, I’ve been at one of those crucial stages of life where you come up to a fork in the road and you realize you’re out of gas – out of inspiration to make a choice you’re comfortable with. There’s a lot of writing jobs I can do, a lot of fields of writing I’ve dabbled in thanks to university, but only one major direction to go in when I graduate. Most importantly, I didn’t have a dream, a visual goal of what I aspire to be. That’s a first in my life.

I did more thinking on this because thinking is what I’m good at, especially when I try NOT to think about anything. The main reason why I was so hesitant to grab a dream of who I aspire to be, “who I want to be when I grow up,” and hold on to it, was because of experience. I’ve been through a lot and my mind has decided for itself what I can do and what I can’t, what my limitations are. This is not a good thing, as the mind’s purpose in life is SELF SABOTAGE.

Continue reading →

Anyone for Aspiration Stew?

I was enjoying a delicious dinner and at my girlfriend, Julia‘s, parent’s home with her and her family. For someone who hasn’t been cooking for himself lately, the maple salmon skewers, broccoli, cauliflower, salad and roasted potatoes was a huge treat. I felt spoiled. We were also having a deep conversation just as rich as the food. Julia’s aunt had asked Julia about her dream, what she aspires to be, to which Julia had a solid answer, as always. When the question turned to me, I was stumped.

I’ve had a lot of anger with myself over the fact that I don’t have a clear goal of what I’m suppose to be doing in the future, and after grad. Who am I going to be when I grow up? I dunno. Who do I WANT to be when I grow up? I dunno.

When I was a kid, I ALWAYS had a definite answer: a cop. Continue reading →

Who wants to play ball with a penguin?

Let’s talk about the feeling of being left out. The first time that I remember being hit with this was the day in Kindergarten when everyone decided to ignore me. It was okay the next day, but that day felt like I was plunged into eternal hellfire and damnation. I finally related to Skeletor, the most sensitive being in the He-Man universe and He-Man’s nemesis. All I could think, as I sat by myself, was, “What did I do?” and “What did I NOT do?”

Then there was the soccer game in grade 9 gym class. The majority of the guys in my class played league soccer outside of school. I did not. There’s nothing that says “inadequacies” like being picked last.

I usually don’t feel left out of things because of the way I mix. I’ve always been Continue reading →

P.U.M.A. does not stand for Perfect User Mangling Accessory, but it should.

Yes, the people that brought you the Segway got together with the losers still running General Motors into the ground, got high off of bad weed, and came up with this new way to become a traffic casualty.

It’s called the P.U.M.A. (Personal Urban Mobility & Accessibility) and it can go up to 56 km/h (or 35 mph.) Definitely perfect for the golf course or office building, maybe condensed Asian towns, too. But, no, they’re marketing it for our cities.

NO ONE WOULD SURVIVE IN THIS TRAP.

Obviously still in developmental stage, as seen by the reflector tape, let’s hope it stays there. No other product has been such a shining example of car companies shitting themselves over the recession.

The website has a drawing of what it would look like in its final stage, with a snazzy silver exterior, but I just don’t trust it. Make that… I don’t trust the other drivers on the road. I never have. Hell, I’d get a Ferrari F430, but I don’t trust drivers here to navigate a four-way stop to save their life.

This is why I don’t ride my bike on the street. Something about flying between metal parked on the side of the road and metal whipping by you on the road, while sitting on a metal tube with wheels, and the only other thing to land on being ROCK, seems a little EFFING SUICIDAL to me.

I’ll stick to the bus, thanks. Sometimes it doesn’t arrive when it says it will, and I have had a many near-public freakouts from it getting me places a little late (it’s funny how I’ll be just fine until my minute hand goes one over the expected ETA, then my mind turns into the freakin’ Tazmanian Devil,) but at least I make it to my destination standing up and not poured into a plastic bag after being shoveled off the road.

LEGO Kills Cancer

I was looking back at my last few posts and realized I haven’t been painting an entirely accurate picture of what life with me has been like. Yes, I had cancer and I had my low moments, and I got hit with post-cancer/post-surgery blues, but life isn’t all that stuff. I haven’t been going out of my mind, rocking myself to sleep between bouts of sobbing. There have been some really wonderful things. Let’s do what I do best and make a list of a small handful. Continue reading →