I love myself now. It’s weird to say that, but it seems that the place to achieve is self acceptance, and that’s where I am.
With all the ups and downs of my life (hence: Rock the Seesaw), it’s been natural for my mind to focus only on what’s wrong and how to fix it. And because of that, I’ve only thought of myself as never right. There’s always something wrong with me. I’ve had a lot of bad feelings about myself, and in my perfectionism, I am always a loser.
But, there’s a lot to be said for panic attacks, which I’ve been dealing with for the last three nights. They might have been caused by side effects with my night time meds, and interactions with that and beer from the weekend. But, once those attacks started my nerves on the left side of my head, face, fingers and toes started pin-pricking and feeling stroked by insects. Scary. WebMD = brain cancer. Thoughts = the end.
A day ago, a friend told me she just wants to see me like myself, and another told me that I don’t need to struggle on To Do lists of how to fix myself – I’m perfect just the way I am. I’ve head these before, but…
I love my friends.
So last night I looked at myself in the mirror and made goofy faces, to kill my disconnection with my reflection. And I meditated through the ringing nerves and let it all go. I just gave up. If I met myself on the street, hung out for a bit, I’d see me as a hero. This guy beat cancer, deals with bipolar fantastically, writes amazing, imagination is bounding, and the type of person you want in your family and as a friend, always there for people when they’re at their worst. I fell in love with myself for the first time last night. When it sank in and I genuinely stated it in my mind, I felt wild shivers all across my body, under my skin. It felt weird but thrilling, like my body was detoxifying and accepting something new. All of the obsession over scary physical symptoms shit is just news, and if I can successfully block out the news like I have the last four days, it’s gone. I was grounded and felt as accepted by existence as being accepted by a new love. Lying in corpse pose in bed, embraced.
I don’t have regrets it’s taken me this long. It means too much to me right now. It’s all golden.