P.U.M.A. does not stand for Perfect User Mangling Accessory, but it should.

Yes, the people that brought you the Segway got together with the losers still running General Motors into the ground, got high off of bad weed, and came up with this new way to become a traffic casualty.

It’s called the P.U.M.A. (Personal Urban Mobility & Accessibility) and it can go up to 56 km/h (or 35 mph.) Definitely perfect for the golf course or office building, maybe condensed Asian towns, too. But, no, they’re marketing it for our cities.

NO ONE WOULD SURVIVE IN THIS TRAP.

Obviously still in developmental stage, as seen by the reflector tape, let’s hope it stays there. No other product has been such a shining example of car companies shitting themselves over the recession.

The website has a drawing of what it would look like in its final stage, with a snazzy silver exterior, but I just don’t trust it. Make that… I don’t trust the other drivers on the road. I never have. Hell, I’d get a Ferrari F430, but I don’t trust drivers here to navigate a four-way stop to save their life.

This is why I don’t ride my bike on the street. Something about flying between metal parked on the side of the road and metal whipping by you on the road, while sitting on a metal tube with wheels, and the only other thing to land on being ROCK, seems a little EFFING SUICIDAL to me.

I’ll stick to the bus, thanks. Sometimes it doesn’t arrive when it says it will, and I have had a many near-public freakouts from it getting me places a little late (it’s funny how I’ll be just fine until my minute hand goes one over the expected ETA, then my mind turns into the freakin’ Tazmanian Devil,) but at least I make it to my destination standing up and not poured into a plastic bag after being shoveled off the road.